It is said that the Unity of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon is the most cherished quality our fellowships have. Our lives, the lives of all to come depend squarely upon it. The practice of our 12 Steps puts our lives in order, but not necessarily our relationships. How to live successfully with others can be found within our Traditions. They are in reality, guidelines for our behavior.

We have relationships in the first place because we believe "WE IS BETTER THAN ME." Please note that the Traditions for Relationships are written in the plural just as the 12 Steps. This denotes that we are no longer alone in our search for healthy relationships. However, even though we are together, we must retain our individuality. Each person enhances the relationship. We each can stand alone and be independent of the other, YET, we prefer to stand together as a unit.

1. What exactly is meant by unity?

2. Why is unity so important to a healthy relationship?

3. How does prejudice-narrowmindedness affect unity with others?

4. How important is open-mindedness in a relationship?

5. Are you more a "giver" or a "taker" in your relationship?

6. Do you have a balance in your relationship avoiding extremes?

7. Do you use silence as a refuge or punishment while expecting others to read your mind?

8. Have you defined your needs in the relationship and openly discussed them with the others involved?

9. Can you be flexible in matters of what you want in a situation or what you desire in the relationship?

10. Can you accept others as they are?

11. How do fights, arguments and controversy affect the unity of a relationship?

12. Are you honest or self-deceived by your own thoughts and actions in the relationship?

13. How does stubbornness affect your relationship and it's unity?

14. How healthy are your current relationships?

15. What action can you take to change your feelings about something or someone?

16. In your current relationships, what can you do personally to promote more unity?

Agreeable decisions can be reached in relationships when the partners or all members are as informed as possible on the various issues. This does not necessarily mean that the "right choices" are always made, but they are made together and no blaming occurs and the unity of the relationship is preserved. There are no authorities in a relationship except that of a Higher Power as He expresses Himself to the members of that relationship. Certainly some members of the relationship will have more expertise in some areas than other members, but no one is bound in any area and when the sharing of a responsibility exists, even on day to day responsibilities more harmony is achieved. In other words it's a true joining of equals.

1. What is our sole purpose in a relationship and why do we limit ourselves to one purpose?

1. Are you using a healthy form of encouragement and support in your relationships?

1. Do you try to manage and control through the purse strings allowing another only what you deem is necessary or what you want them to have? How does this make you feel?

1. Does your identity and feelings of self worth depend upon your participation in your relationship?

1. Who decides who does what in the day to day business of the relationship?

In this Tradition we accept another person as they are and they go about learning to be the person we are tying to become by living the way we would want someone else living with us to live (putting both the Golden and Silver Rules into practice within the relationship). Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Silver Rule: Don't do for others what they need to do for themselves.

By living our own lives and philosophies, one day at a time, quietly and serenely, putting our principles into practice, we are more apt to attract someone to our way of living than if we constantly call attention to the fact that he/she is not living the way we think he/she should. Waling the walk is far more effective than just talking the talk. Being a living example of our new way of life and its tools for healthy relationships is much more attractive than having someone try to "preach" to you about how to live.

When we first encounter this new idea in the application of the traditions to our relationships and some experience is gained, it is not unusual for us to want to share this newfound way of life with others, especially those closest to us. And, as we promote our program we are dismayed to find that our loved ones usually want no part of recovery for themselves (in fact are even offended that we have suggested they need improvement) leaving us with feelings of rejection and bewilderment. Some of us will regroup and try to find just the "right angle to present our case" and begin an all out campaign to convert them to our new way of life. Some, however, will learn from this experience and thus gain wisdom. We cannot "fix" anyone but ourselves. However, it has happened that as we become more sane and begin to practice the principles o f the program in our day to day lives, we will begin to attract these same people to us and our new way of living. One cannot give another recovery, wisdom or serenity or the desire to change. We can only share the benefit of our own experience (when asked). The rest is up to our partners and a Higher Power.

Learning from one's own mistakes is the biggest key to wisdom there is - the wisdom to realize that what you're doing doesn't work, has never worked and will never work and being willing to scrap those plans and find another way from a Higher Power - a way that works - Good Orderly Directions.

One has to recongnize their own need to change. Forced change rarely works over the long haul. Others preaching on a daily basis does not bring any change. Hard sell just doesn't work either. When one sees something he is attracted to (as opposed to forced upon) he is more likely to want to change. Forced change (promotion) also breeds resentments - even when the change is positive - no one likes to have his freedom of choice removed or to be badgered until he gives in, to gain a moment's peace.

Anonymity in a relationship is that ability to do something good and not have to advertise it - a positive attitude; not complaining when things are not just as you'd have them; keeping silent when your partner makes a mistake; saying encouraging things to your loved ones; showing gratitude for small favors, etc. Doing good for good's sake without having to take credit or receive special strokes is a sign of true humility -being happy doing good without expectations of reward or return. However a nice by-product is the spiritual principle "what you sow, you reap." Thus we have a guarantee that we will be given as we give. There is no room in healthy relationships for self-glorification and pride and there is much room for great amounts of gratitude, humility and a willingness to serve others.

1. Have you been guilty of promotion instead of attraction by you living the program?

One of our greatest gifts or privileges of Al-Anon is to be of help to another one of God's kids. There is no room in this purpose for ego, pride, arrogance, selfishness, unwillingness, etc. However, there is lots of room for gratitude, humility, willingness, love, forgiveness, understanding, joy, freedom, etc.

We must learn to place principles above personalities and sometimes this is very difficult as it requires great humility. Humility is sometimes defined as "being teachable." Spiritual growth through humility has it's rooms in the principle of anonymity - the ability to learn from anyone whether we like them or not, whether we believe they're working a program of recovery or not, etc. We should not discount any message just because we don't like the messenger. We should avoid allowing our personal knowledge of someone to interfere with what they say - we are not to judge one another's action or motives - this is none of our business - this is God's business.

Lessons can be learned from everyone - some will teach us how to be; and others will teach us how not to be. But, as we listen to shared experience and observe and learn from all people, it is much easier to determine what is appropriate for oneself. We have choices to make regarding the quality of our lives; these choices being guided by our Higher Power.

If we will remember that our primary purpose is to express God's love, we will realize the importance of God-consciousness and as we become more aware and conscious of God's qualities, we will in turn desire to live and love by the principles of giving, caring, trusting, sharing, gratitude, honesty and personal integrity or the ability to be true to ourselves.

Practicing these principles is done on a personal level by the application of the 12 Steps as a way of life. Our slogans can also be a set of excellent tools, especially - "live and let live". This is loving for free through acceptance of our partner as a child fo God, like ourselves. But we must accept ourselves first as a child of God and then we are more able to see and accept another person and in that acceptance we see that both of us are free to be ourselves and change at our own individual growth pace.

Another important principle is that of good communication - saying what you see and how you feel about it. Remember feelings are not always facts. Feelings are neither right nor wrong - they just are. Facts may be wrong or the way we express them may be wrong, but we have a right to have our own feelings and express them. One way to do this is by saying "I may be wrong, but this is how I see it." Or, "this is how I feel about it." Avoiding the use of "you always", "you never", or beginning any sentence with the accusatory "YOU" will enable better lines of communication. No blaming or threat is transferred when we express our own feelings honestly with "I feel -----" We are being responsible for our feelings and the communication of same. By developing the attitudes, humility, communication, etc., we have discussed in the previous eleven Traditions, we can see that the practice of the principles and concepts will not only benefit our marriages, our family and relationships in general, but will also enable us to become God-conscious people who are willing and able to be of maximum service to our God and our fellowman as outlined in the Seventh Step Prayer. We will also begin to see that slowly but surely we are being released from the bondage of self and becoming healthy within ourselves and also outside ourselves and our relationships.

1. Do you have an immature need for attention (negative or positive) and recognition?